"Why Am I Like This?"

Month One (January/April)
Week One

"People allow life to happen to them rather than giving it direction."

"The bottom line is that once you understand what you want to accomplish, you will automatically use time to help you succeed. You will be moving forward. And you will end up exactly where you are most needed, wanted, and appreciated."

-- Regina Leeds (January - Week One)


"Why am I like this?" Great question! It has been hovering over my head for approximately my whole life but I had never really come up with a good answer. It really is the perfect starting point as it doesn't make much sense to attempt to go forward without at least trying to get a grip on why I am in the spot I am.

I had been wondering whether to begin reading "One Year to an Organized Life" by starting with the month of April since that is where I am now, or with January as that is where the book (logically) begins. Regina says it doesn't really matter so I decided to simply go with my intuition. And when I opened the book to January:Week One and read the title, "Why Am I like This?" I knew I had my answer.

Regina asks: "Think back to your home of origin...What specific memories do you have regarding time?" She suggests keeping a journal so I got out my notebook and began to write. I wasn't sure what to say about time, exactly, so I started writing about general memories of childhood and how they could have shaped my organizational habits. It turned out to be very revealing.

My father was very methodical and orderly. He always looked neat and tidy. He worked hard and accomplished a lot and also made the time to do fun things with his five kids. He maintained our property very well: kept the grass trimmed and tidy, pruned the cherry trees, and planted and tended a vegetable garden every year. He also had excellent control over the family's finances and was the only breadwinner. The gas tank in the car was never lower than half full and one of his favourite sayings was, "The best cure for ulcers is money in the bank."

When I was a child my mother didn't work outside the home so she was the main caregiver for her five children. She was also responsible for all of the housework, laundry, shopping, and cooking. Because she didn't have an income of her own and Dad controlled the money, I expect that was a very trying situation for her. As well, she never learned to drive so was dependent on Dad to drive her anywhere she wanted to go. For all these reasons, she wasn't able to go out to do any fun things with the kids, or for that matter, for herself either. Not much wonder she often seemed anxious, depressed, and overwhelmed.

I can remember always feeling very proud of my father and his extremely practical ways. But I realize now that I was also an 'intuitive empath' (Dr. Judith Orloff - http://www.drjudithorloff.com/) and was more strongly influenced by the feelings I sensed in my mother.

So it seems that although I dearly loved and appreciated both of my parents, I think my empathic connection to my mother drew me to replicating some of her organizational patterns even though I perceived them as negative, and to push against some of my father's behaviours even though I perceived them as positive.

As I continued to write, I recognized that 20 years of an unhappy marriage, along with raising four children, repeated so many of the negative feelings I experienced as a child: lots of anxiety, poor self-esteem, and the weight of constantly feeling overwhelmed.

However, as the saying goes, "That was then. This is now." My parents have long ago crossed over, bless them both. And I have been (blissfully) unmarried for more than a decade and a half. It is very interesting and helpful to begin to cast some understanding on why I have created certain habits, patterns, and behaviours in my life. But this is only the beginning.

At the end of the January:Week One chapter, Regina Leeds says, "Until you take action, your dreams stay in the world of fantasy...you can change your life with the tool of organization."

To paraphrase one of the Olympic mottos, all I can say is this: Let the change begin!


Cheers!


Diane